Dear Sir or Madam ( or whatever other Address applies )

I am sure that this letter is not unique but please bare with me.

The purpose of this letter is two fold. First I would like to relate to you my experience at your store and secondly I would like to offer you my services.

Please, don’t consider this a complaint letter . Complaint letters are written under the assumption that the merchant would try to empathize with the customer and take corrective action . Understanding that Fry’s is not a consumer services oriented establishment but rather an automated conveyor belt dedicated to moving merchandize, I don’t expect this letter to have any impact.

I purchased a printer from your store last week. A few days after purchasing the printer I hooked it up to my Personal Computer. I turned on the printer and it did not power up.

I took the printer back to your store and stood in your SERVICE ( for lack of a better term such as COMPLACENCY ) LINE. After standing in the Service Line for a few minutes, one of your employees (I will call him Pedestal #1) called me over to his pedestal. He filled out a piece of paper and directed me to another line which was in front of a different Service Counter.

There were five customers in front of me. I noticed that there were two employees in this department. As the next customer would come up to the counter the next available employee would inspect the merchandize and attempt to correct the problem. Witnessing this procedure I realized that I would be waited on in about an hour. I was wrong for it took an hour and twenty minutes.

My turn finally arrived and I was allowed to deposit my printer upon the dais and have it judged by your designated authority. He asked me what was the problem with the printer and I told him that it would not power up. He immediately filled out another form and directed me back to the original Service Line.

It took an hour and twenty minutes of my time to get this piece of paper because one of the following conclusions.

1. You don’t think that my time is important and therefore expendable.
2. Your procedures were taken out of the California Department of Motor Vehicles Handbook
3. You Management personnel are incompetent
4. All of the above

Back at the original Service Line, I was lucky because I was the only person in line at the time. There was an employee standing at a CRT in front of me. He did not acknowledge my presence and just stood there gazing out into space for about three minutes We will refer to this employee as Space Cadet. There were other employees there too but they were all gazing at another CRT and making inaudible sounds and utterances. Probably trying to figure out how those little letters got behind the glass of the CRT and why they keep changing every time they touched the keyboard.

By this time another customer was behind me. I turned around and told him that I thought the Space Cadet in front of me had had a Frontal Lobotomy and would probably never joined us in this lifetime. The other customer chuckled and agreed with me.

Your Space Cadet finally broke his trance and entered our realm.

The Space Cadet asked me what I wanted. I told him I would like to make a direct exchange for another printer and to be on my way. He signed one of my papers and called someone on the telephone to bring up an exchange printer.

He then asked me to stand aside and wait for the replacement.

Five minutes later someone brought up the exchange printer and deposited it next to the pedestal. A minute later the Space Cadet brought over the paperwork and pointed at the Pedestal #1 person and told me to see him.

While walking over to Pedestal #1, one of your female employees begin to talk to Pedestal #1. They were not talking about business but were seemingly having a hormonal encounter. Not wanting to be a voyeur and tired of my time being wasted I asked Pedestal #1 if that was my printer and if it was I would like to take at and leave. Seemingly perturbed that his exploits were being interrupted he handed the paperwork to another player in this charade – Pedestal #2.

Lucky me Pedestal #2 had the ability to initial one of the forms. I picked up my printer and made a break for the door. THANK GOD – I WAS FREE AT LAST.

Needless to say I will not purchase any large ticket item ( over a hundred dollars ) from Fry’s. Cables, diodes, resistors, magazines, gum and Frito’s will be safe to buy from your store but all other items are just too risky.

Now that I have outlined my most recent adventures at FRY’S, I am at liberty to offer you my services.

I must warn you that I won’t work for minimum wages, I will not summit to a Frontal Lobotomy and I will not take any mind numbing drugs.

If you decide not to take my offer than may I suggest that you further your career by taking advantage of your Fry’s sundry selling experience by getting a job at a 7-Eleven or go back to work for the DMV.

Sincerely ,

Robert Blevins

Cc: John Fry
Cc: All of other little Fry’s
Cc: Internet
Cc: World